chaii89's Xanga

in chaos.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:20:12 GMT

i know the last part of my last entry was about me wanting to fix my life.

my life, the last time i checked, is not completely in shambles. thankfully. i think it just needs a little more organization especially on the relationships part. i feel like ive downplayed constancy for the last what, 10 years and i really do think it is about time i really get...well,not really settled but kinda hmm, serious about certain things.

so i am just taking a breather from a crappy theo paper that was due last wednesday. and i dont really know why for some reason, i am turning my attention back again to xanga. at a time like this. where no one seems to be home.

just exactly how i started. with no one really reading my entries but me. xanga suddenly felt like a new world to me. forget about the chaii you knew three-four years ago.

im finding myself slowly disengaging from plurk. not that i will cease to use it, but i will put up my guard higher than the already-set guard that i have established from the day i made my account. that sounds so stupid as of the moment but for now, that seems to be the best solution that i can find. plurk will always be plurk but some changes must be made. in order for me to grow.

plurk. i shall dwell on you on the next one. probably my first and last look-back.

in the meantime, i must get back trying to fix my life and schedule.

it always fucking boil down to my schedule.

mic test 1,2,3

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 02:51:34 GMT

PROLOGUE: you just never know what could happen in a few hours. last saturday, i suddenly had this *itch* to update xanga. i wasnt able to finish the thing since i was under time-pressure. anyhow, i have decided to continue the unfinished entry three days later (today). and because it makes gabe happy, im leaving my comments box OPEN. im not expecting anyone to drop by asap though. make me remember how good times were? :)

saturday, 26th of september 11.00 am.

so i sit at an undisclosed place in school; wishing, waiting, wanting the rain to stop. my only class got suspended half-way thanks to a text message received by the beadle.

yeah sure, it's been awhile since i last checked xanga. and i know youre all pretty tired reading the stuffs that i post on how i missed x, how things changed, how i wanted to come back and all that drama.

it happened three and a half hours ago. right then and there i knew i just have to do this on xanga coz plurk wont allow me exceed 140 (or is it 160?) characters. fine. i tried to compress the whole thing but i couldnt. at the moment, i long to write the words that i would eventually say and and forget. i want to put it somewhere where i could come back one day and remember. i want it to be with the entries that meant so much to me. i want to do it here. i want it on you, xanga.

three and a half hours ago, i happily strutted outside the house, thinking how i managed to get the right ones for today: i got the right umbrella for the rain *you know how i loathe bringing umbrellas; what more the long, bulky ones*, i got the right jeans just in case i wont be able to avoid puddles, i got the perfect shoes for the rain something white that never seems to get dirty; it's something i wont give a fuss about in case it gets completely ruined, i was wearing the nicest hoodie that i have *sure i really asked for the bigger-than-me-exaggerated one and the fabric is really really nice, it doubles up as a blanket to me when im on the road* and for the first time this semester, i had my backpack on..with only a couple of books inside *YAY FOR ONLY HAVING ONE CLASS TODAY*.

---to be continued---

tuesday, 29th of september 11.40 pm

all this i was just thinking as i go through my daily commuting routine. i couldnt get over this weird happiness that i felt. i was on a platinum level, sims2-wise. finally, today i got the rights with me. i was really at my happiest as if nothing can ever bring me down. it didnt matter that i was running late for my one and only class. it didnt matter if my eyes were really getting chinky from all the smiling i was doing. it didnt matter if i was looking completely stupid smiling at the little things. everything just didnt matter to me. until...

i accidentally stepped on a puddle. shit. major shit. suddenly, i was back to my senses. the water ripple it created awakened me.

i couldnt believe that such careless act would ruin my happy train of thoughts. i was annoyed at myself for stepping on that stupid puddle. why didnt i see it coming?

my bubble has been burst and i was back to the usuals. it didnt matter anymore that i have all my "rights" today.

it's class time. that's all for now xanga.

---4 - 5 hours later---

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE? why cant i go home, sir?

how bad is the situation outside? I NEED TO GO HOME. MY PLANS CANT GET DERAILED. this weekend is crucial to me, cant you understand? I NEED TO GO HOME. I DONT CARE HOW ILL BE ABLE TO GO HOME, I DONT CARE WHICH ROUTE I HAVE TO TAKE, I JUST HAVE TO GET HOME.

youre telling me it's waist-level outside school... what are my options?

NONE? YOURE TELLING ME I HAVE NO OPTIONS? THAT I HAVE TO STAY? NO, I DONT CARE. I MUST GET OUTTA HERE. NO, I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY THINGS.

luis, how are you going home? no? youre spending the night here? im going home. no matter what it takes, i must go home.

cameh, yes im still in school and i will go home.

globe signal down. shit. i havent phoned home. it's 6 already.

ATTENTION: please proceed to gonzaga caf for a briefing about spending the night inside school.

what is going on? youve got to be kidding me. what is happening OUTSIDE?

it's raining really hard but what is really happening over at katipunan? ive never been stranded anywhere in my life.

damn globe. please connect me, please please. i need to phone home, i need to do my papers, i need to talk to my groupmates, i need to text just one person. just one, please dont fail me now.

chaii, you cant go home. stay. theres nothing you can do about it.

can you find a safe place to spend the night at? dont go home. water level's rising outside house.

chaii, please dont think about your stupid agenda. safety first.

chaii are you home?

where are you?

who's with you?

great. people are checking on me. things must be really bad outside. how bad is it? fine ill spend the night here. darn i dont have any contacts solution with me. i wont be able to sleep properly. fuck you globe youre still down. i need to phone home.

ring, ring, ring. why arent they answering? mustve forgotten to change cables. probably power out.

facebook, plurk, meebo.

hey you guys alright?

hey whats up over there?

WHERE ARE YOU?

STILL IN SCHOOL?

HOW ARE YOU?

WHERE WILL YOU STAY?

WHO'S WITH YOU?

im fine im fine, dont check on me. how bad is it outside?

no joh, i dont think i can make it later, so stuck in school.

okay ba sa mandaluyong?

umapaw na ba pasig river?

how bad?

sure?

should i go home?

what about our paper?

should i email ma'am to extend the deadline? i dont have anything with me. no files whatsoever.

facebook, plurk, meebo.

facebook, plurk, meebo.

.....seriously. i dont know why i even tried to re-live last saturday's events. im supposed to start a paper now. but here i am, trying to fix this entry.

ondoy was really bad, i spent a couple of hours doing relief operations at school today. after i had my accounting tutor class. i know. dont give me that look. i know everyones scrambling to help at relief operations and there we go, moving on as if nothing happened. beats me, really.

all i know is that i need to fix my life. every plan ive drawn up for the past 8 days has failed.

everything is a mess.

my desk, my bed, my hair, my phone inbox, my floor, my playlist, my nails, my life.

i need you.

the chaii star project.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:04:28 GMT

the chaii star project.

nothing major, really these days.

my summer break for this year, unceremoniously divided into two parts because i have summer classes, is probably the worst, most boring summer ive had in the last eight years (or so). perhaps it is due to the fact that my priority was limited to my never-ending to-do list and a couple of get-togethers with friends (not to mention i was sick for more than a week. drastic enough for me to cease to make plans and actually cancel some stuffs).i know my college breaks have always been a sort-of routine of stuffs that i always do, that is, cleaning stuffs right from the start.

it is disappointing to think that i spend the entire break cleaning, organizing stuffs up to the minute detail and setting up a big game plan for execution of the said cleaning routine; only to have my entire semester to mess things up and so the cycle continues.

anyway, it's half past twelve now, a friday. in three days' time, im back to school and fortunutately, i have accomplished most of the stuffs that ive laid ahead before the other half of my summer began. i should really be working myself to sleep, i havent plurked nor responded in plurk, logged out of ym and made to believe im happily slumbering in tralala land now - which of course, isnt true since im wide awake and is currently in the middle of an episode of the rachel zoe project.

as i was saying, i should be sleeping now and winding my body clock to prepare for my upcoming new schedule which will have me waking up early mondays wednesdays fridays and saturdays for the entire semester. frankly, i have gotten better with the morning classes since third year. my first and second year was the worse time ever in terms morning classes.

i know the information may quite overwhelm you, dear reader (ahem ahem), or maybe not ifyoure so used to me popping in and out of xanga every now and then. if you belong on the latter part, huurray, thank you!

okay. i have tried to cheat on xanga by signing up for a wordpress account which will enable me to write entries in a password-protect mode which will only make my entries available to the people who knows what the password for that entry is. but. i kinda lost the drive to continue when i realized i had to face the whole layouting scheme again and brainstorm for what the site will look like. the moment was gone even if the thoughts are ready to be translated into words.

anyway, i was able to create one but didnt proceed (didnt even make it halfway) and so im stuck yet again here in xanga: with the same black background, the same old picture, the same old everything!

and as always, even if i come here prepared for battle - translation: even if i come here with a specific purpose or message - i always end up talking and updating what's happened in my never-stopping-always-realizing life.

i honestly need to get my thoughts organized when im writing and not always rely on a draft outline. THIS IS NOT A PAPER,damnit.

alright.

i guess all im trying to share is, why do i always have to find the right time to act on something. like, for example, the television series that i watch. i dont watch episodes within the semester. okay, maybe i do but it's a very very rare occasion. i mean, it would be good my head is stuck on a reading or on a lesson but im not. i mean, im not the entire time.which makes me wanna think: so babe, where does your time go? im not sleeping, im not anywhere, i dont know. it's not like im thinking the whole time, duh. it's probably a time lost doing a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that, that i find it hard to actully define what a specific activity happened. in relation to the series thing, i always pile up all the books i want to read and wait til the school break to do things in a marathon. like a book and series marathon combined alternatingly.

so that's in terms of the big picture. in a smaller scale, im thinking, why cant i do things asap? like, do it now. dont put it off til the weekend? im so much talking to myself right now but i just need to get this out. for the record. haha

remember this list of topics that i wanna talk about in xanga? guess what? it's still there and it's getting longer and longer as i realized more and more. im thinking why do i have to wait for the usual end of semester meeting up with friends when i could just leave notes and stuffs to them every once in a while? it's like having questions on why im trying to find the right moment and the right time and put off things til i no longer get interested in putting a foot forward in doing things?

that's one thing i dont like really about myself. when i lose interest, theres no point bringing back. i have had a lot of it's-over-even-before-it's-begun things. dont ask.

i always beg off to figure things for myself asking for a lil space and time and stuff when really, all i just have to do is...

just get in on and move forward.

i dont really need the pause-think-play routine. i can think with things continuing.

i dont really to pause and to put a hold on anything.

procrastination is different. this is more about just finding the rights - right time, right space, right person, right words, right reactions, right...

yeah, right.

quintet.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:02:17 GMT

QUINTET.

some days...i feel like i cant ask for more.
some days...i feel like i need to ask for more.

for some months now, ive been experiencing this rare blend of hesitation, apprehension and some things i couldnt even pin-point. i know what im feeling but i couldnt figure out what exactly it is. my mind is full on a lot of things; the thoughts that i keep on suppressing are starting to knock on my door. nothing serious, if youre curious.

as much as i want to go point by point here, as what i usually do, im afraid this isnt the same old xanga that i used to update on. as ive said, this is gonna be totally different game. different in a sense that im not even sure on what ill write about. remember how i wanted to "master" the art of knowing what should be written and shared publicly about? well, it kinda backfired.

i dont know where to start picking up pieces from where i took off. it's been awhile and so many phases that i have undergone that i am finding it very difficult to present reality without skipping on necessary details.

first things first, the situation that im in at school, that is having no constancy around (well, for now) has affected the people-person in me. i have retreated to myself and in this retreat, i am faced with a lot of thoughts that only thoughtful conversations can complement.

it's like yearning to talk sensibly.

---

after all the entries that ive done recently, i feel like im knocking at an empty house. xanga today is very different than the xanga that i used to know. it's not the lack of comments nor the randomness as to who checks in and reads. i think it's more of finally coming into terms that you can never really bring back time. nor can you rely on the wishful thinkings and the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

---

i am so sleepy and yet, i find myself here. oh i know! im supposed to tell a light story about how people cant just leave my age alone.

tomorrow.

---

thinking:why see the flaws on this and rationalize when it comes to that? right. to err is human. nevertheless, you are still my hero. and will always be.

---

THE GREEN BROCCOLIS: still wondering if it's gonna happen. time, it seems to me, is evading us. but we'll keep on fighting for it, wont we? :)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 14:18:27 GMT

presently, xanga seems so empty. it's like when i started more than three years ago, when im the only one i know except for a couple of cousins who has one. the "regulars" arent back yet (hopefull, they will check in soon) and it is quite weird that i dont get comments when i should. i mean, it's switched on, isnt it? when i turn it off, people ask me turn it back. which way, really? :)

anyway, as i have said, xanga, which i used to be so familiar of, suddenly became foreign to me. regularly updating it, i think, will help me get back on the usuals. but i guess i'll never be able to get the usual "zest" back.i mean, it's a very different game now. i have gone through a lot of things that i werent able to talk openly here which truly mattered so...i guess im gonna have to write a getting-to-know-you kind-of entry. one time.

today is saturday. and it is summer. but im not out. instead, im stuck at home, trying to get by episode after episode of heroes' first season. i know, dont give me that look. i dont like tv, so trying to catch up with the whole season is really a pain. but so far, im on the 13th episode and obviously enjoying it so..hopefully ill finish it by next week.

summer classes have started last wednesday and i have a hideous schedule. a schedule made for losers. how can i possibly get a long break on a summer? it's just not fair. oh, on the brighter side of life, i think it's pretty good since i dont have to commute back home under the immense heat philippine summer has.

thing is, I DONT GET TO WEAR slippers. i still havent gotten over the whole dresscode issue, not even since i shifted to som. it's like, im so tired wearing closed-toe shoes. i cant stand wearing chucks forever and as much as i wanted to wear heels, it's not possible. and dont remind me about the killer wedge i saw in zara, please. it's heart-breaking. :P

the clock says 11.15 in the evening so that means im gonna be sleeping in a while. oh yes. everything has changed so dramatically the past weeks (or maybe months) that i couldnt even remember when i started waking up early. i love the way i handle my time; the freedom that i have with it since i started getting back on track. yes, a lot has happened and ive never been seen life this way. it's just too...amazing.

right. bedtime for me.

goodnight, world

wishing this isnt completely blown out of proportion.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 02:07:01 GMT

i dont like this.

i dont really think i can handle this.

well, not yet, anyway. i have so many things in mind; a debatable, questionable *notion* is not really something id like to entertain for now.

it's just that...things happen. i dont know the reason, but it does...ironically all of a sudden.

coincidence? ID LIKE TO BELIEVE it was.

i am denying again..and again. this time, it kills.

i hate the fact that it doesnt let me think, i hate the fact that it brings the affective side of me. im a thinker, damn it.

that october entry? forget it.

it's not happening.

---edit---
you know what? i dont really want to make a big fuss over this. fine, so what?

i mean, it's not like i have to expound on this, to bring this up for everyone to read.

i just dont know how to let it out.

as vague and abstract as this is.

now what?

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:00:44 GMT

it doesnt really take much to make me smile.

say cheese, baby.

lost.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:32:23 GMT

honey, where you been holed up? who you hiding from? something the matter?

crazy. i have heard that from a lot of people, friends, in different ways. i always say im just around the corner, that ill be there when needed and showing up whenever i feel like showing up.

i know it's not fair. but it's just the way things are.

it's part of who i am..for now. you just gotta accept that.

anyway, right now, two days before summer classes, im in a state of mild panic. i feel like time is running out, i feel like holding on to dear time. i value my time so much to the point that im being selfish.

i just dont want to waste time in school, i hate wasting time. i hate having to wait, i hate waiting i hate i hate it.

but then. shit. i couldnt organize my thoughts. sorry, it's been a long time since i cursed on an entry. shit shit. wow, feels good. SHIT SHIT SHIT. haha

hm, okay. here's the thing.

i am reading your entries. i apologize for abandoning xanga for too long. it is unfair that you have been reading mine whenever i update but i never bothered to read my subscriptions.

i am lost. i am lost with your thoughts, with your writings, with the emotions on the entries, on everything.

it's just not the same anymore.

sure, i have read a couple or so a while ago. i understood what youre saying. the details, i got it. but i couldnt feel it. it's so unlike before. before, an entry isnt just an entry loaded with words, i could feel the emotions beneath it, i could feel if youre happy, or if youre trying to be happy.

now, i couldnt. i dont feel anything.

frankly? it's like an assigned reading that i just have to read.

i dont really know if it's me. have i become so numb?

i have so many damn questions each night. each day. each passing moment.

i dont really feel like opening up. it's been so long since i had a real conversation. since i had a real talk.

i tried to write each thesis on a paper, i wanted to talk about them point by point, entry by entry.

i dont wanna talk shit. i dont wanna be a talkshit. because im not. but i am becoming one.

see? i dont even know how to write anymore. i couldnt paragraphize, i couldnt put things together.

i shouldve have written this in bullet form.

so many changes..but not really so little time.

goodness, xanga. we really have a lot of catching up to do.

promise.

this time, i dont think i should wait anymore. being in the zone doesnt really mean it would bring out the best. it's not about finding perfection anymore, throw that crap away in the window. smash it if you must.

this time, it is gonna be so different.

bolder. braver.

it's about time really.

are you ready?

you should.

especially you. youve been reading this since day one. it's about time i put my guard down a little. ive always been very defensive, havent you noticed?

the revelations part 2?

N-O.

i dont wanna put up much hype about this.

so later then?

how i wish i could still do that. i wish i could still drag everyone to read this, and understand what im trying to say.

today, it's just so different.

i no longer know how to. i mean.

dot.dot.dot

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:13:50 GMT

i am wondering.

am i too shallow?

or...have you known me well enough to recognize the tone i use or the mood i have even if we're just talking in ym?

it's not everyday someone is able to read me through the words that i use, without hearing me talk really.

soo weird...and different.

alarming, honestly.

you getting too close, not that i mind.

that's what friends are for right?

dotdotdot.

i know, im coming.

hesitation, deliberation, confusion.

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:07:11 GMT

it's been a long while. and it took me a long long time to get in the zone to blog again, to write a lil something, to share a lil this and that.

i kept on waiting for the right time, for the right moment...for the right place, for the right topic, for the right emotion, for the right sense of thinking..i was looking for so much perfection in an unstable reality.. i knew i was getting more foolish at the minute, waiting and wanting to be precise. yeah, happy april fool's day chaii. :(

so here i am. running back to a place that i have been so familiar with for the longest time. it is ironic to think that i have been so at ease here and yet, i failed to keep up in the last couple years or so. the last couple of years that brought significant changes and realizations. the last couple of years that had me thinking real hard, that had me paying attention real close..

i have a lot in mind that i dont really know where to start. i wanted to come back with a warm and happy entry, so unlike the tone im using now.

don't get me wrong, im okay. perhaps even better than ever.

it's just that..lately, im having a hard time deciding. i know i have always been like this, yea, it's just that i feel like the older i get, the more paranoid and cynical i become. i want to take up all the time that i have to think things over, before i make i decide on something. if i rush, i always end up regretting it, i always end up not liking what i got. thing is, i dont really have much time.

is it because i couldnt just settle for one thing? or is it because my convictions arent that strong?

is it because i have been meaning to end up with the right choices and the right decisions that i have become too safe to try anything?

one thing after another, choices after choices, options after options.i cant make up my mind.

i think ive become a control-freak that i no longer want to settle for the second rates. i no longer welcome the feeling of regretting, of getting disappointed. it's like ive been building up my guard way too high that the ball is actually bouncing back to me. argh, i dont really know.

and now, i dont feel like writing at all. i dont really know if this is impatience or indecisiveness. or seeking perfection in every angle.

how flaky you could become.

aha. ill try to concretize the thoughts and come back later.

or you can tell me anything that's up in your mind and i'll listen.

shoulda. woulda. coulda.