my summer break for this year, unceremoniously divided into two parts because i have summer classes, is probably the worst, most boring summer ive had in the last eight years (or so). perhaps it is due to the fact that my priority was limited to my never-ending to-do list and a couple of get-togethers with friends (not to mention i was sick for more than a week. drastic enough for me to cease to make plans and actually cancel some stuffs).i know my college breaks have always been a sort-of routine of stuffs that i always do, that is, cleaning stuffs right from the start.
it is disappointing to think that i spend the entire break cleaning, organizing stuffs up to the minute detail and setting up a big game plan for execution of the said cleaning routine; only to have my entire semester to mess things up and so the cycle continues.
anyway, it's half past twelve now, a friday. in three days' time, im back to school and fortunutately, i have accomplished most of the stuffs that ive laid ahead before the other half of my summer began. i should really be working myself to sleep, i havent plurked nor responded in plurk, logged out of ym and made to believe im happily slumbering in tralala land now - which of course, isnt true since im wide awake and is currently in the middle of an episode of the rachel zoe project.
as i was saying, i should be sleeping now and winding my body clock to prepare for my upcoming new schedule which will have me waking up early mondays wednesdays fridays and saturdays for the entire semester. frankly, i have gotten better with the morning classes since third year. my first and second year was the worse time ever in terms morning classes.
i know the information may quite overwhelm you, dear reader (ahem ahem), or maybe not ifyoure so used to me popping in and out of xanga every now and then. if you belong on the latter part, huurray, thank you!
okay. i have tried to cheat on xanga by signing up for a wordpress account which will enable me to write entries in a password-protect mode which will only make my entries available to the people who knows what the password for that entry is. but. i kinda lost the drive to continue when i realized i had to face the whole layouting scheme again and brainstorm for what the site will look like. the moment was gone even if the thoughts are ready to be translated into words.
anyway, i was able to create one but didnt proceed (didnt even make it halfway) and so im stuck yet again here in xanga: with the same black background, the same old picture, the same old everything!
and as always, even if i come here prepared for battle - translation: even if i come here with a specific purpose or message - i always end up talking and updating what's happened in my never-stopping-always-realizing life.
i honestly need to get my thoughts organized when im writing and not always rely on a draft outline. THIS IS NOT A PAPER,damnit.
alright.
i guess all im trying to share is, why do i always have to find the right time to act on something. like, for example, the television series that i watch. i dont watch episodes within the semester. okay, maybe i do but it's a very very rare occasion. i mean, it would be good my head is stuck on a reading or on a lesson but im not. i mean, im not the entire time.which makes me wanna think: so babe, where does your time go? im not sleeping, im not anywhere, i dont know. it's not like im thinking the whole time, duh. it's probably a time lost doing a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that, that i find it hard to actully define what a specific activity happened. in relation to the series thing, i always pile up all the books i want to read and wait til the school break to do things in a marathon. like a book and series marathon combined alternatingly.
so that's in terms of the big picture. in a smaller scale, im thinking, why cant i do things asap? like, do it now. dont put it off til the weekend? im so much talking to myself right now but i just need to get this out. for the record. haha
remember this list of topics that i wanna talk about in xanga? guess what? it's still there and it's getting longer and longer as i realized more and more. im thinking why do i have to wait for the usual end of semester meeting up with friends when i could just leave notes and stuffs to them every once in a while? it's like having questions on why im trying to find the right moment and the right time and put off things til i no longer get interested in putting a foot forward in doing things?
that's one thing i dont like really about myself. when i lose interest, theres no point bringing back. i have had a lot of it's-over-even-before-it's-begun things. dont ask.
i always beg off to figure things for myself asking for a lil space and time and stuff when really, all i just have to do is...
just get in on and move forward.
i dont really need the pause-think-play routine. i can think with things continuing.
i dont really to pause and to put a hold on anything.
procrastination is different. this is more about just finding the rights - right time, right space, right person, right words, right reactions, right...
some days...i feel like i cant ask for more. some days...i feel like i need to ask for more.
for some months now, ive been experiencing this rare blend of hesitation, apprehension and some things i couldnt even pin-point. i know what im feeling but i couldnt figure out what exactly it is. my mind is full on a lot of things; the thoughts that i keep on suppressing are starting to knock on my door. nothing serious, if youre curious.
as much as i want to go point by point here, as what i usually do, im afraid this isnt the same old xanga that i used to update on. as ive said, this is gonna be totally different game. different in a sense that im not even sure on what ill write about. remember how i wanted to "master" the art of knowing what should be written and shared publicly about? well, it kinda backfired.
i dont know where to start picking up pieces from where i took off. it's been awhile and so many phases that i have undergone that i am finding it very difficult to present reality without skipping on necessary details.
first things first, the situation that im in at school, that is having no constancy around (well, for now) has affected the people-person in me. i have retreated to myself and in this retreat, i am faced with a lot of thoughts that only thoughtful conversations can complement.
it's like yearning to talk sensibly.
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after all the entries that ive done recently, i feel like im knocking at an empty house. xanga today is very different than the xanga that i used to know. it's not the lack of comments nor the randomness as to who checks in and reads. i think it's more of finally coming into terms that you can never really bring back time. nor can you rely on the wishful thinkings and the shoulda, woulda, couldas.
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i am so sleepy and yet, i find myself here. oh i know! im supposed to tell a light story about how people cant just leave my age alone.
tomorrow.
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thinking:why see the flaws on this and rationalize when it comes to that? right. to err is human. nevertheless, you are still my hero. and will always be.
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THE GREEN BROCCOLIS: still wondering if it's gonna happen. time, it seems to me, is evading us. but we'll keep on fighting for it, wont we? :)
presently, xanga seems so empty. it's like when i started more than three years ago, when im the only one i know except for a couple of cousins who has one. the "regulars" arent back yet (hopefull, they will check in soon) and it is quite weird that i dont get comments when i should. i mean, it's switched on, isnt it? when i turn it off, people ask me turn it back. which way, really? :)
anyway, as i have said, xanga, which i used to be so familiar of, suddenly became foreign to me. regularly updating it, i think, will help me get back on the usuals. but i guess i'll never be able to get the usual "zest" back.i mean, it's a very different game now. i have gone through a lot of things that i werent able to talk openly here which truly mattered so...i guess im gonna have to write a getting-to-know-you kind-of entry. one time.
today is saturday. and it is summer. but im not out. instead, im stuck at home, trying to get by episode after episode of heroes' first season. i know, dont give me that look. i dont like tv, so trying to catch up with the whole season is really a pain. but so far, im on the 13th episode and obviously enjoying it so..hopefully ill finish it by next week.
summer classes have started last wednesday and i have a hideous schedule. a schedule made for losers. how can i possibly get a long break on a summer? it's just not fair. oh, on the brighter side of life, i think it's pretty good since i dont have to commute back home under the immense heat philippine summer has.
thing is, I DONT GET TO WEAR slippers. i still havent gotten over the whole dresscode issue, not even since i shifted to som. it's like, im so tired wearing closed-toe shoes. i cant stand wearing chucks forever and as much as i wanted to wear heels, it's not possible. and dont remind me about the killer wedge i saw in zara, please. it's heart-breaking. :P
the clock says 11.15 in the evening so that means im gonna be sleeping in a while. oh yes. everything has changed so dramatically the past weeks (or maybe months) that i couldnt even remember when i started waking up early. i love the way i handle my time; the freedom that i have with it since i started getting back on track. yes, a lot has happened and ive never been seen life this way. it's just too...amazing.
