the end of the beginning.

Ironic.

It's pretty ironic that I couldn't find the time and attention to write entry after entry of thoughts that have long been lingering in my head.

And now I am stuck with a handful of words per entry that doesn't seem to make sense anymore.

I'm close to desperation for the time to think through all of these and digest each realization with that kind of passion I am sure is buried somewhere.

Half a decade later, I'm still chasing time.

Almost but Never Quite There.

Almost four years ago, it just wasn't right but we worked at it anyway. For whatever worth it has, I think we did good.

Almost three years ago, I felt there was something but couldn't explain what it was. For whatever worth it has, I think it was good.

Almost two years ago, I knew there was something but couldn't feel what it was. For whatever worth it has, I did think it was good.

I just want to get this over and done. I don't wanna have to rationalize anything and I definitely don't wanna have to deal with the is-this-it-or-is-it-not thoughts anymore.

But for whatever worth it has, I somehow think this is still good.

shut it up.

We tried to take it slow but we're still losing control. And we tried to make it work but it still ends up the worst.

-Black Eyed Peas, Shut Up

(This is probably the most useless entry that I will ever post. I guess all I'm trying to say is, there's something in this, though at the moment I just can't figure, that just fits my mood.)

Exposed.

I don't remember a point in my life feeling this close, this exposed to the real world. In fact, I can barely remember a period in my life where I can specifically say that I am happy without having to pause one second and re-evaluate what I had just said.

The past few months have been very restless. I feel like I'm forever searching for that certain something but had no idea where I'm heading at. And it sure doesn't help that there the personal issues that I thought I have so grown out of ever since the silent retreat, are still here. So clear and so near that I just want to escape temporarily. It's that sick habit of disappearing while I get my thoughts together and keep the emotions controlled when everything doesn't make sense. Oftentimes I wonder "Will I ever grow out of this bubble?"

Some days, I find myself reflecting on the yesterdays of my life. I may not be liking what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway: I am still trapped in the very own maze that I have carefully crafted, perhaps perfected, through the years.

And I know that not so many entries ago, I declared that I will never write again in haste - that I will make sure that the succeeding entries will come out as well-thought of and as meticulously written as possible - with no room left for proofreading and grammatical errors. But you know what? Suck that thought. Forget the empty promises. I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, just the way I like it, exactly the way I thought of it.

I feel like there are still so many angst left, it feels like I'm a teenager again - with all the unstable hormones and insecurities creeping out.

Wrapping this entry up, I do feel sad that my blog has become such a wasteland of frustrations and worst, filled with concealed messages directed to people who probably do not have any idea who they are. I realized I am not blogging for anyone, I am merely talking to myself - in a manner only I could fully understand. Do you even get what I am talking about? Do you even know me now? 

I wonder when I will ever see the light. Or find that ever-elusive sense of security that seems like a pre-requisite to that ultimate goal of happiness that glows and flows from within.

I've been in a coma for so long, everything suddenly seemed so surreal and new to me. The vagueness of the memories simply contradicts the sharpness of the emotions.

I still dwell on the past...while my thoughts are locked into the future.