I don't remember a point in my life feeling this close, this exposed to the real world. In fact, I can barely remember a period in my life where I can specifically say that I am happy without having to pause one second and re-evaluate what I had just said. The past few months have been very restless. I feel like I'm forever searching for that certain something but had no idea where I'm heading at. And it sure doesn't help that there the personal issues that I thought I have so grown out of ever since the silent retreat, are still here. So clear and so near that I just want to escape temporarily. It's that sick habit of disappearing while I get my thoughts together and keep the emotions controlled when everything doesn't make sense. Oftentimes I wonder "Will I ever grow out of this bubble?" Some days, I find myself reflecting on the yesterdays of my life. I may not be liking what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway: I am still trapped in the very own maze that I have carefully crafted, perhaps perfected, through the years. And I know that not so many entries ago, I declared that I will never write again in haste - that I will make sure that the succeeding entries will come out as well-thought of and as meticulously written as possible - with no room left for proofreading and grammatical errors. But you know what? Suck that thought. Forget the empty promises. I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, just the way I like it, exactly the way I thought of it. I feel like there are still so many angst left, it feels like I'm a teenager again - with all the unstable hormones and insecurities creeping out. Wrapping this entry up, I do feel sad that my blog has become such a wasteland of frustrations and worst, filled with concealed messages directed to people who probably do not have any idea who they are. I realized I am not blogging for anyone, I am merely talking to myself - in a manner only I could fully understand. Do you even get what I am talking about? Do you even know me now? I wonder when I will ever see the light. Or find that ever-elusive sense of security that seems like a pre-requisite to that ultimate goal of happiness that glows and flows from within. I've been in a coma for so long, everything suddenly seemed so surreal and new to me. The vagueness of the memories simply contradicts the sharpness of the emotions. I still dwell on the past...while my thoughts are locked into the future. |